This spring break, I became the great mom that I always wanted to be. 🤣 Pawning off tasks on older siblings, planning great activities and then delaying the follow through (but following through nonetheless), cooking fabulous and healthy meals, planning healthy snacks that no one wants to eat (no one but me), sleeping in with no regard for the safety or nutrition of the youngins, and worst of all, reading took a backburner. I literally haven't completed a single book in over a week. My listening choices became a radio edit version of TODAY'S top hits (Gag!) and the television options were a TV-14 nightmare of "guess what Fee's NOT watching". I will admit that we did binge watch On My Block, and besides the obvious dramatic acting issues with the show, we had a good time with it.
For spring break, I spent four days at the beach with my oldest friend and my two neices. Teen-ager (13) and a sassy five year old. Then when I got home, I spent the next three hosting my rambunctious nephew (2.5) and two neices at my house (10, 9).
When kids are around, going to the bathroom alone is a luxury that you can no longer afford. I thought that they saved the bathroom barge ins for thier mommas, but apparently any female they trust (ie Aunt Fee) will do for those all too important potty conversations. "What are you doing?" is just the beginning of the obvious inquisition that takes place day and night, circumstance, shower, or poop be damned. They constantly ask "what time is it?!" as if they have a life or responsibilities outside of the here and now; I'm convinced that they do it in order to rub their innocence in your face. Mocking you and your impending tick tock of doom and sleeplessness (Basically saying "when I wake up, I'll still be young and adorable, when you wake up you'll have gained 5lbs, and a gray hair"; tiny bastards!). "Where are we going?" "Are we almost there?" "How many minutes until we get there?!" (Fucking gps) The Spanish Inquisition, the FBI, wives of philandering husbands... AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON CURIOUS KIDS WITH NO SCHOOL IN THE MORNING! Nothing to lose!
FIVE...Five is such a magical age. You can impress this sweet girl with the tiniest displays. She's so appreciative and let's those around her know that she loves them constantly. Five is also a most
curious age, and had I known that I'd be writing about this week, I would have tracked the number of times that child asked "Fee Fee, What are you doing?"
Sitting down to have a conversation overlooking the beach with this one, was honestly the best time of my trip. How do you have that much intuition at five?!
THIRTEEN...My thirteen year old neice has unfortunately risen into the ranks of voluptuous, and thinking of her in life stresses me out and makes me physically nauseated. Middle school with boobs is not something that I would wish on anyone that I care about. The day before we found her a frolick friendly bathing suit, she actually wore and fit one of mine. Mine that has the built in FF bra!! I literally spent my beach day mean mugging grown men, and a few women for looking a little too long, and too closely. 😡😒 No show here folks, keep it moving if you want to keep those eyes.
Having conversations with this one makes me feel so old, yet keeps me young. One minute we're connecting, and the next I'm failing at life. Here's an example for ya: she's on her phone and a short video plays, my old ass says "Hey is that a Vine you made?" You know trying to relate. Response from the 13 year old with full eyeroll, "Uh Fee, Vine has been dead for like two years." Then she hides her phone and continues to ignore the old lady. 🤦🏾♀️
TWO...My newly potty trained nephew peed in my reading chair, and not 10 minutes later peed on my floor, not the wood, he waited until he was upstairs on the carpet for that. I wasn't angry, I just mourned the loss of my perfect little reading nook and then fist pumped my level of control... Self control because I didn't shake him like raggedy Andy, and birth control, because, well...
His age has always been my favorite (aside from newborn) because they can say the harshest and most honest shit, and it's hilarious, adorable even. If I were to say these things, they'd say I'm "maladjusted". That talkative tot age isn't without it's shortcomings because let us not forget that they call you from the bathroom with "Come wipe my butt, I'm finished!" You can also convince them of ANYTHING! He hates vegetables, like most tiny humans his age, so I told him that the spinach in my cheesy chicken and rice casserole was just green rice made my Dr. Seuss. Kid ate 2 more servings after that. Win for Aunt Fee!
This kid is extra special as he's a boy among women. He was obsessed with Fee's exuberant makup vanity with 3 way lighted mirror. Eyeshadow, foundation, and setting powder were his victims that we know of (and yes, this is how mom is finding out). I haven't met a toddler, male or female who could resist my vanity.
NINE..TEN.. Luckily nine and ten aren't usually crisis ages, but they sure don't make em like they used to. I think I aided my neice (9) in dealing with a bully (also 9) who was sending her messages that contained lewd pictures, many racial slurs, and poorly spelled cuss words. I thought Ferdinand would be a good movie for us to watch, meanwhile, the nine year old is requesting to watch horror movies and the ten year old votes for a Rom-Com. Huh?
Technology is obviously ruining our youth, and therefore limiting the amount of time they think hanging out with Aunt Fee is cool. This week I realized that I'm losing some of my magic. Just being in my presence used to jubilate these youngins, now I actually have to try. And soon, their friends (who are all pretty lame btw), phones, and tablets will honestly surpass me in the awesome category. I'm not as young as I used to be, my brows aren't "on fleek", and I don't have a Musical.ly account.
I value sleep, my limited time, and a well laid plan too much for this past week to be my life. But I really need to do it more often. #TeamNoKids #TeamAuntFee