Santa Quits... A satire

Dec. 24, 2017

I'm tired, I'm old, and I'm effing cold; I'm actually sick of pretending that I'm not.. Santa's got Arthritis, and these gifts aren't getting any lighter. I don't want to be rude or anything, but what are you feeding these kids by the way? Hefty, hefty, hefty... "Whew!" And for some odd reason all of yer youngins wanna sit on my right knee; I guess it's tradition, blah, blah. Yeah, now that I think of it, when I was a young St. Nick, that was my good side, but now, that knee creaks from an old reindeer gaming accident; and I'm not sure how long old faithful can hold on.

Come on, most of your kids don't even want to get within 10 feet of me or those clowns I "employ", and the other half are too old; you've TAKEN the horrifying pictures, just look at their pained faces!

And ANOTHER THING, with everything going on in the world today, you people still trust me with your tiny treasures? I mean really? Not one of you thinks this might be how ye old Santa gets his christmas Jollies?! I mean I would never dream of that, I'm magic and wonder, and have the fairest wife in the north pole, but those old hacks in the mall you tell your kids that I sent out there could be anyone.Think about it. 🤔

Of course I would never Quit, but I'm seriously considering working from home and trying out an early retirement/partime work schedule. Mrs. Clause has been neglected long enough, you know, she deserves this too doesn't she? Worrying year after year, eve after eve if Rudolph's nose would safely bring me home. Imagine the memories the Mrs. and I could make at home on the eve of christmas baking cookies of our own, reading, and warming by the fire.

So work from home it will be. Maybe we could set up web chats with nice children. I could spam mail the naughties (hehe). Serious babies and toddlers are invited once a year (at a neutral location of course) if parents insist that they must have lap photos, (crybabies and fatties need not attend for obvious reasons). I think I deserve this pre-retirement change, don't you? Cookies and milk are always appreciated, but I must say, lately the dairy causes my arthritis to flare; so supply at your own risk.

See you all soon, because as you know, I'll still be watching 😉🎅