If You Give A Girl A Brazilian... You Might Want to Buy Her Dinner First.
So, I realize I'm a day or 18 late with this one, but IT'S IMPORTANT, and squeezing my last one in was even more so!!!
I had this 'before 30 bucket list' and of course getting a Brazilian Wax was on it. I realize... That.. Um... I'm a bit of a late bloomer... and some of you will find this redundant, old news; but some of you will be scandalized, shocked, entertained, and INFORMED! So, let's go!
So it's a week before the "Birthday/Anniversary Cruise" (Anniversary of Rachel and I being together
for 20 years) and I decide to convince my BFF to go through this massive waxing with me. I say massive, Because Massive, IT WAS.
We plan a future date and make it a thing... Because, you may or may not know that in order for the waxing to be effective, you've got to let that thing grow out like a medieval bush woman (he hee, I'm so punny).
Of course I get the Brazilian version of a 45 year old Nazi mother (I hope this doesn't offend). But really... She was all... "Strip!" "Oh, you have on dress? I suppose you can leave it on until I get up there" (I was trying to get ye ole armpits done too. I purposely wore a dress, so that I could 'lift and pull' rather than being completely exposed while my genitals are being devested)
before any wax is applied, she decides to give me unsolicited skin advice... Yep... It appears that I need a pubic loofah amongst other things 😲.
Next I hear her scream "Hold your stomach!... Tight!" Awesome; now I've got a lil' lovely handle, and have never felt fatter or safer. #Winning
Finally, we finally get started, and Holy Hotness, what degree is this stuff?! Hell, the wax trough is set to hell!! As I previously mentioned you're letting the beav grow out for weeks to facilitate the process; but I was a bad little soldier. I couldn't take the scenery, and had to go in for a little deforestation the week before. My Brazilian Nazi (once again, no offense) of course notices this, and proceeds to berate and punish me for it. "You should not have don't that" "You should've wait longer" "But I will do anyway... Just take me more tries". Ok, that sounds fabulous and painless.. More tries! Yeah!
After the first flesh ripping, its not so bad, you grin, bear it, flinch, and inwardly curse everything you
hold dear; no big, you kind of get used to it. But after the thirtieth, and you've lost several layers of pubic, anal, and, VAGINAL epidermis to the lava sauce, you begin to question where you went wrong in life, and if now is the time to repent for your sins.
Of course I know what a Brazilian wax entails, but I never expected it to be so intricate, so invasive, if you catch my drift. She was like a master craftsman. She proceeds to go places I never imagined with speed and professionalism, AND without warning. No preamble like "I'm going to put Satan's lava juice in your bum now" she just does it, #LikeABoss. Just when I think she's done, she pulls out and drops the proverbial gauntlet again. Because I was a naughty girl, and was 'too groomed' before my appointment, the sticky lava sauce didn't get everything. So my extra sensitive, now DERMAL layer is at the mercy of a pair of reading glasses and some tweezers. I haven't prayed in quite some time, but I felt this moment deserved a talk with our creator.
So I mentioned that Rachel and I did this together right? The salon is beautiful, with this modern setup. Exposed ceilings... Which means, you can hear what's going on in the appointment rooms next to, across from, and adjacent to yours. Great idea guys; four walls, a door, and NO CEILING. Walking in was like walking the Green Mile, you've already heard what's about to go down. 👇
Rachel (from Felicia's Point of View):
Esthetician: "Hi, I'm Brazilian Waxing Barbie, and I'm going to take great care of you!"
Rachel: "Great! It's my first time, so I'm a bit nervous."
Esthetician: "No worries, it will be slightly uncomfortable at the beginning, but I'll walk you through it and take great care of you... I LOVE your hair btw!"
Time goes by, and as tears well in my eyes; all I hear from Rachel's room are chuckles, giggles, and full out guffaws! Seriously!?!?!
How, does she have a party while I end up in Georgia with that devil? And btw, he wasn't looking for souls to steal, he's got a basket full of pubic epidermis!
All jokes aside, everyone was quite lovely (in their own ways) and I'd definitely go back. I quite enjoyed the results, and by results, I mean not shaving for weeks. I may ask for Brazilian Waxing Barbie though, because laughing is better than involuntarily crying.