Jul. 23, 2016

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To Parasite or Not to Parasite…. That is the Question…

 

So, I have this recurring dream, and it makes total sense because I am a Mother-Baby nurse for 8+ years now. But yesterday’s was a bit different, and I will tell you how.

I dreamed that I am pregnant (Normal), and then the dream progresses into me nursing this faceless (usually it is faceless) Baby. Sometimes said baby will look like one I took care of the night before, and typically it is one who had nursing issues; one I spent the night with my hand on mom’s breast. But this baby was faceless… Annnddd…. Here where it goes off the rails, I distinctly remember saying or thinking “I can’t wait to nurse my own baby ” shortly before waking. WHOA!!! “Record screech” What?!

Can you imagine a tiny human just like me?! With too many tiny opinions? With a tiny neck, and his or her tiny social awkwardness?! No… Just no!

In my line of work, people ask me every day, several times a day “Do you have children?” “No?! then how are you so great at this/ with them?!” And my answer is a variation of the same. I have no babies that I’ve birthed myself, but in life, I get to play the “Fun Aunt” to several beautiful nieces, and a spunky nephew. I’ve been doing this personally/socially since I was 12 years old, and professionally for 8 years now; I think I’ve earned my stripes. I’m definitely a “Baby Whisperer.”

So, then I get “Well do you want children?” *Sigh* I’m so sick of answering this question! So when you ask, please be prepared to provide me with a tall-ish (because no child deserves my physique), handsome man, who’s smart with dork-like tendencies. Hopefully he’s orphaned, because I’ve heard about mother-in-laws, and I’m not interested. He must also be equipped with a princess or cushion cut vintage style diamond. Also when you ask this question, please be prepared to provide YOUR uterus, because mine is guarded by Princess Mirena. My inherited high blood pressure ensures I’ll have a high risk pregnancy, and at the rate I’m going, so does my age (Ever heard of a geriatric pregnancy?!). And let us not forget that my torso (actual measurement from bottom rib to hip bone) is only 4.5 inches. There are midgets, legal little people, with the same measurements!!! This would make for the most uncomfortable pregnancy EVER! Of course coupled with my arthritis, DDD, and sciatica; would I not be the most ANNOYING pregnant lady in the south east?!

And now, let’s consider this future parasite (ahem, child). I’ve worked with babes for a long time now, and with that experience, you learn that contrary to popular belief…. They aren’t all adorable :\ Some of them have to make up the future uggos of America, and I have never held my tongue (always sweetly and discreetly) about such cases. So, Karma would totally get me back on this one, and my kid would be, well… You know…  My family history is who’s who of heart disease, diabetes, all kinds of crazy, and addiction; so once again, No, just No! The poor poor dear. I can’t do this to myself, I can’t do this to a future generation.

I was able to reach these conclusions without even touching on the facts that babies or is that parasites as sweet as they are, suck the life from your marrow. Make it so you can’t sleep AT ANY TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT. And the responsibility alone makes you feel guilty for doing anything for yourself. But damn is motherhood beautiful?!

Alright ladies here comes the public service announcement section… We as women have got to support and uplift each other; celebrate our differences. Let your single friends be single; if they want a set-up, they’ll ask for one.  We need to stop judging moms for everything that they do that is different from your parenting styles. Unsolicited “mom advice” is never ok, and is often hurtful. If she wants your advice or opinion, she’ll ask for it. But a random “you shouldn’t spank your kids” or “I would never put my kids in public school, aren’t you afraid” is NEVER appropriate. Nor is “When are you going to have another baby?” Asking that question is akin to asking her and her husband’s financial standing, family travel plans, and if they are having sex tonight all in one; DON’T DO IT!! Stop being nosey, we can tell the difference between judgement, concern, caring, and nosey. Don’t be rude friends, be loving friends. And if you don’t really care, then don’t ask, and keep it pushing. *This concludes my PSA*

 

So… Am I going to have kids/ a kid? I don’t know. I’m having a fabulous time being a “Fun Aunt!” I get my love, my snuggles, undying adoration, but more importantly I get to sleep whenever I fucking feel like it!